REALITY CHECK
The price of delegating intimacy
By Barbara C. Gonzalez
Because of their terrible fights, she told her husband to find
himself a sex partner-- but no paid women because of the health risk and their budget
''WHAT sort of advice do they seek?'' my friend asked between mouthfuls when we lunched a
month or so ago.
''It seems more married women than I imagined are evasive about having intimate relations
with their husbands,'' I replied.
''I understand,'' she said. ''I'm there. I've told my husband to find himself a sex
partner because I just can't anymore. Don't look at me that way. It's not such an alien
idea. There are cultures in the world where wives who are tired of intimacy choose their
husband's concubines so they can stop...''
''Maybe,'' I said, ''but not in our culture. Are you serious?''
''Yes,'' she said. ''We talked about it. No paid women because of the health risk and our
budget. The kids' education is so expensive these days...''
''Aren't you worried you'll lose your husband?''
''It's worse this way. We have terrible fights. He can find another woman for that purpose
but not get involved with her. Men can do that,'' she said very matter-of-factly.
''It's a big risk. What if he gets to like her? Remember that movie 'Accidental Tourist'?
The wife blames their son's death on her husband so they separate. He meets this ditzy dog
trainer who's
so different from both of them. When the wife wants to reclaim him, he doesn't want to
return to her anymore. He says, 'Sometimes it's not who the person is but what you become
when you're with that person.' That could happen to you. Then what?''
''That only happens in the movies,'' she said.
''It could happen in real life. Men are not as compartmentalized as we like to think.
We're one whole piece. You can't give away a portion of your husband without risking the
whole. What if he
enjoys the intimacy?''
Heart words
''What intimacy?'' she asked.
''I think you ought to go in for counseling if you don't remember what intimacy is. It's
not just sex. It's talk, private jokes, having fun together. What if your husband finds
that with a new partner and enjoys it?''
''He loves me,'' she said very confidently, ''and I love him. We have our kids, our life.
I'm being modern and sophisticated, allowing him to get what he needs elsewhere. What kind
of an advice columnist are you if you can't see the logic in this?''
''A good one, I hope, and I'm warning you. You're taking a big risk. What is really the
problem, anyway? If you can't warm up to him, something must be wrong.''
''Like what? He's a good provider, an excellent father, honest, hardworking. What could be
wrong?''
''You're giving me descriptions devoid of emotional content. Those are not the words I
would use to describe a husband. Those are not the words I'd use if I were finding reasons
to stay with him. Where are the heart words?''
''What heart words?''
''You know, funny, supportive of my dreams, empathetic, cariņoso.''
''Well, he isn't any of those things, so I don't use those words.''
Aha! ''Are you by chance angry with him? Is there something unforgiven between you?
Something hostile and unspoken?''
''Are you by chance playing shrink with me?'' she asked.
''Would you see one? To save your marriage?''
''I know my problems. I'm solving them.''
Before it's too late
On that strained note we ended lunch but we hugged and agreed to get together again soon.
I didn't expect the midnight phone call from her. She was hysterical, devastated. Her
husband had found someone and had stopped coming home. Now she realized she wanted
him back and it seemed he couldn't extricate himself from the other girl. He even accused
her of being selfish and self-centered because now that he was happy with someone, she
wanted him back. She half-accused me of witchcraft because it had happened soon after our
lunch and it was as if I had predicted the event.
I assured her that I hadn't hexed her but it wasn't the time or place to say that the
outcome could have been predicted by anyone. Instead I sent her to professional counselors
but I don't know if she will go. She doesn't seem to appreciate the depths of her
emotional issues, doesn't quite believe that I don't know how to untangle this mess. It is
a tough one.
I write about it because many of the advice-seeking letters I've received share one thing:
Issues aren't resolved between husband and wife. This gets in the way of open
communication and ultimately to a shunning of intimacy. The ability to craft a deep,
comfortable, honest, warm relationship that enfolds and empathizes, that accepts and
forgives at the most profound levels, leaves the marriage.
Without this, how can a marriage survive? Intimacy is not just sex. Men and women,
husbands and wives must become more aware of the importance of intimacy in a relationship
and must move heaven and earth--seeking professional help is easier--to achieve it.
Otherwise, nothing is solved. Everything just gets more and more complicated. And then
it's just too late.